DEAL WITH IT

So for the last 8 or 9 weeks, as many of you know from my previous posts, Ive had back pains. Some days worse than others. To many, the pain seems to be better, but to tell the truth, NO, it hasn't. Ive just been "DEALING" with the pain. Every time I feel like screaming, I don't, because I don't want to scare my children. I just get over to a couch or chair as quickly as possible and take deep breaths. I hate showing weakness...especially in front of others. Ill smile and act as though everything is fine, when really I'm screaming inside. The past few days, I couldn't hold it in any longer. In my last post, I mentioned how after my bath, the pain was so bad I couldn't move.. what I didn't mention was that I was crying so much, and in so much pain, I told Ian just to shoot me, so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. I know he felt horrible...and helpless. He didn't know what to do, or how to help me with the pain. We haven't been able to get me into the office because now that Brett is gone, we only have one car, and when he gets home at night, its bedtime for the girls. It would be a nightmare if we took them out. Ian NEEDS to be doing everything possible to get patients in the door. We NEED the office to pick up, to cover the bills, office and personal. We only have one car which Ian takes to work with his everyday...which the transmission died last week and is going to cost money we don't have...He is trying everything to help out around the house, but with everyone sick and everything going wrong all at once, things get stressful and VERY OVERWHELMING... I couldn't let him see the pain I was feeling. Last night, I broke. We were watching television before bed, and just drained from all that's going on. My leg had been going numb from the moment I woke up, and now, it was to a point where I would hit my leg, HARD, just to get a different feeling in it. Ian went and brought the adjusting table upstairs from the garage and took a scan....pattern.. funny thing is it was EXACTLY the SAME as one taken March of LAST YEAR...only a bit warmer. So, he adjusted me. A change, but nothing to get excited over...yet. We will have to see how it looks tomorrow. We decided to call it a day and go to bed. Within minutes, I heard snoring coming from Ian....MINUTES..If I could be so lucky to fall asleep that fast...and STAY asleep for that matter. Every night, I toss and turn, trying to get comfortable. When I finally do, it only last a few minutes before shooting pains run down my leg. I cant remember when Ive slept more than an hour without waking up.. I laughed when I heard Ian snore. I hated him for being able to fall asleep so fast. This night, was one of the WORST nights in my life with the back pain. I couldn't get comfortable, the pain would be so intense at times, that I just wanted to scream, but I knew Id wake everyone in the house...maybe even the neighborhood. I just have to keep telling myself "its fine, you have to deal with the pain, there is nothing you can do, DEAL WITH IT". Ian is trying his hardest to do everything possible. I wouldn't even be able to do anything else even if I wanted to, because I don't have a car, and who would watch the girls? I really think we've used up all our "help cards" with family. I feel bad, Ian's parents have been over so much helping, that I feel like we are taking them away from other things they have to do. Every time I ask my parent to help, they are unable due to other commitments or obligations, but Ian's parents always find a way to help. Id send them away on a cruise or something if we had the money...but they've helped SO MUCH and so often, that how can I keep asking? Id have someone here EVERYDAY, ALL DAY if I could, its that bad...but I again, don't show it, because I know its impossible. People have their own lives to live, they cant be helping with mine everyday for months....My mother says I should just go to the hospital and "get another opinion" I already know what they are going to say....surgery. And I cant do that.... I don't want to do that....who would watch the kids while I'm recovering? Do you know how LONG the recovery for back surgery is... Do you know what the effects of the surgery will do later in life? We just need to let Ian try to help, We've never really given him a chance. We would go to the office, get checked, but then not go again until a week or two later. We just cant find the time to get me there with everything that is going on. Now that he brought the table and scanner home, we can start checking me every night, and see how that goes. For now, I just need to deal with the pain, and see if this works. There is really NOTHING else we can do...